Arnold!
Arnold!
Arnold!
Arnold!
Arnold!
Arnold!
Arnold!
LUNCH IS ON THE TABLE!
Arnold!
Where is that kid?
AAH!
AAH!
HA HA HA!
OH! Arnold, What are you doing in...
I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful.
It's my biggest problem because I've never been
young and beautiful.
Oh, I've been beautiful, I've been young,
but never the twain have met.
Not so as anyone would notice.
A shrink acquaintance of mine believes this to be
The root of my attraction to a class of men
subtly described as old and ugly.
He's underestimating my wheedles.
See, a ugly person who goes after a pretty person
Gets nothing but trouble,
But a pretty person who goes after a ugly person
gets at least cab fare.
I ain't sayin' I never fell for a pretty face.
But when LES JEUX SONT FAITS,
Give me a toad with a pot of gold,
I'll give you three meals a day.
Ain't no toad when the lights go down.
It's daylight you got to watch out for.
A thing of beauty is a joy till sunrise.
There's another group
you got to watch your food stamps around.
THE HOPELESS.
They break down into three major categories--
MARRIED,
JUST IN FOR THE WEEKEND,
TERMINALLY STRAIGHT.
Those affairs are the worst!
You go into them with your eyes open,
knowing all the limitations, accepting them maturely.
THEN WHAM, BAM!
You're writing letters to DEAR ABBY
And burning black candles at midnight.
And you ask yourself, "what happened?"
I'll tell you. You got what you wanted.
The person who thinks they're mature enough
to handle an affair that's hopeless from the beginning
Is the same person that keeps gothic romance publishers
up to their tragic endings in mink.
What do you think? Gorgeous, HUH?
GIVE ME A BREAK. It's still under construction.
For those of youse what ain't yet guessed,
I am an entertainer,
or what's left of one.
I go by the name Virginia Hamm.
Ain't that a kick in the rubber parts?
You should hear some of my former handles.
Anita Mann.
Fonda Boys.
Claire Voyant.
Fay Ways.
Bang Bang La Desh.
Yeah. I'm Among The Last Of A Dying Breed.
Well, once the E.R.A. And gay civil rights bills
have been passed,
me and mine will be swept under the carpets
like the blacks done to Amos, Andy, and Aunt Jemima.
That's all right.
With a voice and a face like this,
I'm not worried.
I can always drive a cab.
You know, there are easier things in life
than being a drag queen,
but I ain't got no choice.
See, um...
Try as I may,
I just can't walk in flats.
HA HA HA!
You know, there was one guy once.
His name was Charlie.
He was everything you could want in an affair
and more.
Oh, he was tall.
Handsome.
Rich.
Deaf.
The deafness was the "more."
He ain't never yelled at me.
Never complained if I snored.
All his friends was nice and quiet.
I even learned me some of that deaf sign language.
Oh, I...I remember some.
"COCKROACH."
means "FUCK."
Oh, this here's my favorite.
MEANS "I LOVE YOU."
AND I DID, TOO,
BUT, UM...
NOT...
ENOUGH.
You know, in my life,
I've slept with more men than are named or numbered
in the Bible,
old and new testaments put together.
And not once has someone said, "Arnold, I LOVE YOU."
That I could believe.
And I ask myself, "DO YOU REALLY CARE?"
You know, the only honest answer
I can give myself is "YES."
I care.
I care a great deal.
BUT NOT ENOUGH.
WHO WRITES THE WORDS AND MUSIC?
FOR ALL THE GIRLIE SHOWS?
NO ONE CARES?
AND NO ONE KNOWS?
WHO IS THE HANDSOME HERO?
SOME VILLAIN ALWAYS FRAMES?
HEY?
WHO CARES IF THERE'S A PLOT OR NOT?
WHEN THEY GOT A LOT OF DAMES?
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to our stage
Bertha Venation!
YAY! YAY!
WHAT DO YOU GO FOR?
GO SEE A SHOW FOR?
TELL THE TRUTH?
YOU GO TO SEE?
THE BEAUTIFUL DAMES?
And now, the queen of delicatessen,
Virginia Hamm!
YOU SPEND YOUR DOUGH FOR?
BOUQUETS THAT GROW FOR?
ALL THOSE CUTE AND CUNNING?
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL DAMES?
And now, señores and señoritas,
Please welcome Marina Del Rey!
DAMES ARE TEMPORARY FLAMES?
TO YOU?
DAMES, YOU DON'T RECALL THEIR NAMES?
DO YOU?
AND NOW, Bigger than Broadway,
Marcia Dimes!
BUT THEIR CARESSES?
AND HOME ADDRESSES?
LINGER IN YOUR MEMORY?
OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL?
IN YOUR MEMORY SEE THOSE BEAUTIFUL?
IN YOUR MEMORY?
ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL DAMES?
LADIES AND GENTLE MEN,
In order to be a real dame,
you've got to kneel before a QUEEN.
HA HA HA!
AH AH AH AH?
WHAT DO YOU GO FOR?
GO SEE A SHOW FOR?
TELL THE TRUTH, HONEY?
You know you go to see
the beautiful dames, darling.
Oh, Miss Dimes, you are flawless.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Wait till you see my act--
"Bertha Venation
And Her Dance Of The Virgins."
Which she does completely from memory.
BITCH.
Bbbbrrrrrr!
YOU SPEND YOUR DOUGH FOR?
BOUQUETS THAT GROW FOR?
ALL THOSE CUTE AND CUNNING?
YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL DAMES?
Kiss her quick. She's carmen.
DAMES?
THOSE GORGEOUS DAMES?
ARE TEMPORARY FLAMES?
ARE TEMPORARY FLAMES?
TO YOU?
DAMES?
YOU DON'T RECALL THEIR NAMES?
DO YOU?
BUT THEIR CARESSES?
AND HOME ADDRESSES?
MORE!
LINGER IN YOUR MEMORY?
OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL?
IN YOUR MEMORY?
OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL?
IN YOUR MEMORY?
OF THOSE BEAUTIFUL?
DAMES?
DAMES?
DAMES?
DAMES?
SLENDER OR CURVY?
SWEET, SHY, OR NERVY?
THERE IS NOTHING AS DIVINE AND BEAUTIFUL?
NO SUN CAN SHINE LIKE BEAUTIFUL?
BRING ON THAT LINE OF BEAUTIFUL DAMES?
DAMES?
DAMES?
GIVE ME A LINE OF BEAUTIFUL?
D-A-M-E?
DAMES?
[WHISTLING]
I LOVE A LINE OF BEAUTIFUL?
DAMES?*
You need a lift?
Great, thanks.
Going straight home?
No. Let's get a beer.
What's the dish?
MEN.
My life's work. What's the gripe?
I ain't got one.
I've got three.
Good night, ladies.
Night-Night, DEAR.
I swear that queen gives me gas.
OH. HA HA HA!
Let's go to the stud for nightcaps.
And a quickie with some stranger?
Count me out.
It's very relaxing.
I want more out of life
than meeting a pretty face
and sitting on it.
Graphically put.
I never enjoy sex with someone I know.
Our Lady Of High Standards.
Cab! Night, Girls!
Night, Bertha! Night, Bertha!
AAAAH, HOT PANTS?
HUH?
THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT?
THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT?
HOT PANTS?
SMOKIN'?
HOT PANTS?
SMOKIN'?
TAKE YOUR FINE SELF HOME?
YOU LOOK MUCH BETTER WITH TIME?
MY FEVER KEEPS GROWIN'?
GIRL, YOU BLOWIN' MY MIND?
IF YOU'RE THINKIN' OF LOSIN' THAT FUNKY FEELING, DON'T?
YOU GOT TO USE WHAT YOU GOT?
TO GET JUST WHAT YOU WANT?
HOT PANTS?
SMOKIN'?
HA HA HA! HA HA HA!
Come with me.
I know what to do.
HOT PANTS?
MAKE YOU SURE OF YOURSELF?*
Aah! Aah!
Fucking Faggots!
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
You god damn faggots!
Get lost!
I AM TIRED, And I want to go home.
One drink. One look.
I'm not goin' in that back room.
Who asked you to?
WAKE UP, MAGGIE?
I THINK I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO YOU?
IT'S LATE SEPTEMBER?
AND I REALLY SHOULD BE BACK IN SCHOOL?
I think I feel the call of the wild.
Oh, don't leave me out here.
OH, MURRAY! MURRAY! MURRAY!
OH, I FEEL I'M BEING USED?
OH, MAGGIE, I COULDN'T HAVE TRIED ANY MORE?
YOU RAN ME AWAY FROM HOME?
JUST TO SAVE YOU FROM BEING ALONE?
Thank You.
YOU STOLE MY HEART, AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY HURT?*
Oh, god. I'm sorry. Are you OK?
Fine. Yeah.
No permanent damage, I hope...To your foot.
No. It's fine.
Good.
Excuse me. Do you have a l--
GREAT.
Look, um... Name's Ed Reiss.
My friends call me Ed.
I'M A Sagittarius.
HA!
What's so funny?
Some people like to know that stuff.
I don't believe any of it myself.
You have a great smile.
What's your name?
UH...Arnold.
What do your friends call you?
Arnie Or Arn?
Arnold.
Well, nice to meet you, Arnold.
Can I buy you a drink?
I just, um...
SO WHAT ARE YOU? Italian?
No. Uh....
Spanish?
Jewish.
Geez--I mean, I never would have guessed.
Not with those...
Dark, Romantic Eyes.
You wearing make-up?
No.
I mean, I didn't think so.
You, um... You here alone?
No. I'm with a friend. He's in the back.
OH.
Is he your...
Oh, no! No! Just a friend.
OH.
WELL...
How lucky for me.
I've got a car.
HA!
If you're going to laugh
at everything I say...
We're never going to get to bed.
You really do have beautiful eyes.
And you've got some routine.
Anyone ever tell you you've got a very sexy voice?
No, really! You do.
Is that natural, or do you have a cold?
FATE HAS THE WILL OF A WISP?
CRAZY AS A LOON...?*
I'd ask you back to my place,
but my roommate is straight.
He's not comfortable with gays.
Where does that leave you?
I date women, too. I teach in brooklyn.
I keep an apartment in the city, but I really live upstate.
I've got a farm where I spend weekends, summers.
I grow all my own vegetables.
You'd love the house.
It's a classic american saltbox...
Lots of wood detail... Franklin stove.
I'm restoring it myself.
Sounds beautiful.
So what do you do?
I'm a female impersonator.
Ha! No, I meant for a living.
I'm a female impersonator.
Does that bother you?
Not yet.
Wait. I'll get a light.
No! Just...
You're shaking.
Am I?
Sorry.
Better?
MM-HMM.
We're having an intimate dinner at my place.
Why didn't you tell me you were going out for love?
I better steal steaks from the kitchen. Who had time to shop?
Bertha Venatian!
I wonder which apartment we'll keep.
We hardly need two.
We always be at the farm.
The farm?
You can't bring up children in the city.
Queen Of The Delicatessen, Virginia Hamm!
MMM!
[BUZZ]
[ALARM STOPS]
OHH...
MMM.
Happy two-week anniversary.
Oh, Ed, you remembered!
YOU MUST REMEMBER THIS?
A KISS IS STILL A KISS?
A SIGH IS JUST A SIGH?
THE FUNDAMENTAL THINGS...?
Thanks, Roz.
AS TIME GOES BY?
That girl is stealing your material.
You're The Torch Singer.
THESE DAYS, I ain't singing anything bluer
than ZIP-A-DEE DOO-DAH.
When can I meet him?
Soon.
You met his friends?
We don't get out much, if you know what I mean.
SHUT UP!
NO MATTER WHAT THE FUTURE...?*
IT'S WONDERFUL?
IT'S MARVELOUS...?
Come on!
Watch your head there.
And this first step is a little, uh...
Broken.
IT'S AWFUL NICE, IT'S PARADISE...?
[CRASH]
We got to work on that.
IT'S WHAT I LOVE TO SEE?
YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE?
Good morning.
SO GLAMOROUS?
YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR FEELING AMOROUS?
OH, IT'S WONDERFUL?
IT'S MARVELOUS?
THAT YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME?
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Aggghh!
Whooosh!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Uuhhh!
IT'S WONDERFUL?
[SNORE]
IT'S MARVELOUS?
THAT YOU SHOULD CARE?
THAT YOU SHOULD CARE FOR ME?
IT'S AWFUL NICE?
PARADISE...?*
I'LL DROP YOU OFF.
I'm Seeing Tom And Janet For Dinner.
You didn't tell me they called.
I forgot. Anyway, I got to see them.
And you're seeing Lisa and Michael tomorrow night?
for bridge. They got a friend in from out of town.
I'll go as your friend from out of town.
Only joking.
Guess I won't see you again until the weekend.
My parents have the farm. I told you that.
So we'll hide out at my place.
I've got to see my folks.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Ed, why didn't you call first?
I was worried.
OH!
Hi, Mom.
Happy Birthday, SHEYNA TATELEH.
I can only stay a minute.
The girls are in the car.
Charlotte got tickets to some Off-Off-Broadway Theater.
It's experimental. They keep their clothes ON.
Your father will call after his Mason's meeting.
Your brother, he'll call when he calls.
Are you redecorating?
Ahh, it's easier than cleaning.
Don't be so funny.
Hey, you don't get much light here.
I get indirect semishade.
It's good for the plants.
So's manure.
Don't shake. It's cookies.
Ooooh!
Fancy, fancy! New tablecloth?
I made it myself. Took a class.
I'm going to make napkins to match. Like it?
Nice.
Pretty pattern, huh?
Very nice.
[HORN HONKS]
MAMA, THE LADIES!
What are you making? Potato soup?
Don't! You'll burn yourself!
Not like what I make for your father.
With him...Boil a potato, throw in salt and pepper.
You called it daddy's potato water.
[HORN HONKING] I'm coming already!
Why don't you come with us?
Leave a note for your friend. We'll come back for cake.
You go. Have a good time.
Give my love to the ladies.
Many happy returns, TATELEH.
Thanks, Ma.
While you're redecorating, how about this wallpaper?
God damn.
[BUZZER]
Be right there.
NOW IT SEEMS?
THIS IS HOW THE STORY ENDS?
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Yeah, one minute! Just a second, um...
I THOUGHT FOR ONCE, IT COULDN'T GO WRONG?
HI!
Oh...Hi.
My phone was ringing, and I picked it up
Just in time to hear someone hang up.
So I was gonna call,
but I figured, why not come over?
It wasn't me.
Arnold, this isn't a great time to talk.
I guess that wine isn't my birthday surprise.
Your Birthday!
You remembered.
OH, GOD! Arnold, I'M SORRY.
What's the difference?
We're together now, right?
Well...
I've got somebody coming over.
I just want to see you for a minute.
I understand.
What do you understand?
You never let me make the first move.
When I'm going to call, there you are calling me.
ESP maybe.
Who you got coming over?
Do I know him?
No.
How do you know?
I know lots of hims.
Battle Hymm Of The Republic--
You're impossible.
What's wrong, Ed?
Not now, Arnold.
You can't expect me to wait until you call.
I told you to go out.
I CAN'T.
Well, I'm not ready to make that commitment.
If I have to accept you going out,
then you have to accept that I'm not!
You really are crazy!
I miss you.
I think about you all the time.
I'm so damn horny!
You've got no right to make me feel guilty.
I'm in love with you.
If I can't see you,
I can bitch about it.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Arnold.
Please.
Hello.
Hi, Laurel.
This is Arnold.
Of course! Ed's talked about you.
I'm glad to meet you.
He's told me all about you.
I've got to run now.
Allergies, I should have my head examined.
Um, Just...
Arnold, Arnold.
Don't pretend I never told you
about my relationships with women.
I thought you meant like sisters and aunts.
That's not funny.
You are really dragging me over the coals!
Why should I be the only one here
with a barbecued ass?
Look, Arnold! I am not like you!
Being gay is what you are.
I'm not happy living in a ghetto of gay bars.
We've never done that.
I need to be proud.
HOW CAN SLEEPING WITH A WOMAN MAKE YOU PROUD
IF YOU KNOW YOU'D RATHER BE WITH A MAN?
THERE'S NO YOU TO RESPECT!
I DON'T SEE YOUR SELF-RESPECT.
WANT TO SEE MY SELF-RESPECT?
HERE! HERE'S MY SELF-RESPECT!
BUT NOT FOR ME?
THE LUCKY STARS ABOVE?
BUT NOT FOR ME?
WITH LOVE TO LEAD THE WAY?
Hi. Can I buy you a drink?
Oh, Fuck Off!
I WAS A FOOL TO FALL?
AND GET THAT WAY?*
Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse Me. Pardon Me.
Sorry.
Hi. My name's Arnold.
It's my fault, I'm sure.
OH, MY GOD!
[UNZIPS ZIPPER]
What am I gonna do... With the beer can?
Well, at least I don't
have to cook him breakfast.
And with all the promotions,
mine can't be far off.
How about a nice girl?
He'll find one when he's ready.
They don't come along every day.
You tell 'em.
I picked a beautiful girl to be your mother.
You tell 'em.
You want some rice pudding?
No, Ma.
Nothing for me, Ma.
Piece of cake?
I'm full.
So what's with you, Arnold?
I'm not seeing Ed anymore.
I meant work.
You call that work?
Betty, the boy has to find himself.
So let him find himself.
I'd love a piece of cheesecake.
Go to JUNIOR'S.
Can you use some money?
I'm fine, dad.
Just till you're on your feet.
I'm on my feet, Daddy.
YEAH, IN -INCH HEELS. SOME BIG SHOT!
Excuse me.
They don't mean anything, you know?
Then why embarrass me like that?
I make more than daddy does.
They have trouble understanding, that's all.
There isn't anything they wouldn't do for you.
Don't be mad at them.
I'm not mad. I'm jealous.
You realize, in all the years
that they've been married,
the only time they were ever separated
was when ma went into the hospital
for that operation?
And what did daddy do?
He slept on a chair in the living room.
He wouldn't even get into bed without her.
And the way they always made us feel,
like we were the two most important,
smartest, most talented,
handsomest...
And it kills me to think
that they look at me
and wonder what they did wrong.
In all my born days,
and there have been plenty,
I never met a real bisexual.
Please, not in front of YOU-KNOW-WHO.
I'm not listening.
I'd like to see a bisexual
who lived with his boyfriend
and then saw his girlfriend on the sly.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Is Arnold Beckoff--
You dant to give them room?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Right. Come on.
Bet you never thought
you'd see me again, huh?
Hi.
You look terrific.
Really.
You've lost a little weight, I see.
I'm sorry.
I guess, you're still pretty angry, huh?
No, I'm not still angry.
This here's BRAND-NEW.
What are you doin' here?
I just wanted to talk.
Five months ago, you checked out,
but at least when you left, you left.
I told you that I wanted us to be friends.
You mean a lot to me.
Don't get cute with me, huh?
Maybe I shouldn't have come,
But as long as the harm's done,
Can't I just talk to you until you're finished?
It's important to me.
Just sit down.
So how's your sex life?
It's great.
As good as with me?
Arnold, I'm not so sure
that the sex we had was always as good for me
as it was for you.
Sometimes it got a little too out of control.
And that's bad?
It's not what I want.
It's funny...
That's what I pray for.
I thought about you a lot this summer.
A couple times, I almost called you.
I even picked up the phone once.
Yeah, so what happened?
Well, uh, I couldn't.
I love her, Arnold.
Oh, um, I had a dream last night
that I want to tell you about.
I mean, you like that sort of stuff.
Anyway, um, I was--
I dreamt I was at my parent's house,
and I got a rag,
and I soaked it in turpentine,
put it inside a plastic bag,
and put the bag over my head.
UM...
Anyway, the phone woke me in the morning.
It was Laurel.
Half of me's listening to her.
The other half's trying to figure out this dream.
I felt dizzy, so I went back to bed,
and there on the pillow is...
You know, the plastic bag...
with the turpentine-soaked rag.
UM...
I couldn't tell anyone--
You know--
Anybody about it.
I'm...
a little scared.
So what--Do you got your car with you?
Yeah, um...
Do you want me to drive you home?
Um, why don't you get the car,
and I'll meet you out front?
Oh.
So what now, huh?
Look. If I take him back now, knowing all I do,
maybe I can make it work...
With a little understanding.
Maybe a SHRINK.
I could just let him drive me home,
And then I could say, "THE NEXT TIME
"YOU FEEL YOU HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU TO SOMEONE,
SAY IT TO YOURSELF AND SEE IF YOU BELIEVE IT."
That would go over his head.
I think it went over mine.
I could sneak out the back
and leave him waitin' out in the cold.
If I start in again,
who's to say he's not gonna keep this shit up, right?
I don't know.
Maybe it's what I want.
Maybe he's treating me just the way I want him to.
What if it's me using him
to give me that tragic torch singer status
I admire so in others?
Wouldn't that be a kick in the rubber parts?
I love him.
What are you gonna do?
But do I love him enough?
What I?
This is enough.
Enough.
D? ? A?
M? ? E?
DAME?
WOO! WOO!
I LOVE A LINE OF BEAUTIFUL?
DAMES?*
[POP POP POP]
YAY! YAY!
Oh, weren't they wonderful, boys and girls?
YEAH!
YAY!
Especially the BOYS!
[AS MAE WEST] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
The last time I saw a basket like that,
it was around Red Riding Hood's arm!
OH!
One more time.
OH!
I'll see you around,
and I'll see you around.
Hey, where's Bette?
Bette?
Darling, I don't do Bette without a cigarette.
Over here!
Oh, you mean Bette as Baby Jane Hudson?
YAY! YAY!
YAY! YAY!
[AS BETTE DAVIS] Blanche!
YOU DIDN'T EAT YOUR DIN-DIN,
SO SOMEONE ELSE IS GONNA EAT YOUR CHRISTMAS PUDDIN'.
WHO'S GONNA EAT MY CHRISTMAS BALLS?
HOW RUDE!
You have a high voice for a lesbian.
And now, Ladies And Gentlemen,
It gives me great pleasure
to bring you The Supreme Artiste--
Fuck the artiste! Bring on the freaks!
Did your mother have any children that lived?
Thank You, Darling,
And now, Ladies And Gentlemen,
And Nasty Little Boys,
I want to present The Queen Of The Torch Song,
our very own VIRGINIA HAMM!
YAY! YAY!
WHEN THE ONLY SOUND ON THE EMPTY STREET?
IS THE HEAVY TREAD?
OF THE HEAVY FEET?
THAT BELONG TO A LONESOME COP?
I?
OPEN SHOP?
WHEN THE MOON?
SO LONG?
HAS BEEN GAZING DOWN?
ON THE WAYWARD WAYS OF THIS WAYWARD TOWN?
THAT A SMILE BECOMES A SMIRK?
I?
GO TO WORK?
LOVE?
FOR SALE?
APPETIZIN' YOUNG LOVE FOR SALE?
LOVE THAT'S FRESH AND STILL UNSPOILED?
LOVE THAT'S ONLY SLIGHTLY SOILED?
LOVE FOR SALE?
TELL ME WHO?
ARE THESE FOR REAL, HUH, BABY?
WILL BUY?
Hey!
WHO WOULD LIKE TO SAMPLE MY SUPPLY?
WHO'S PREPARED TO PAY THE PRICE?
FOR A TRIP TO PARADISE?
LOVE FOR SALE?
LOOKS LIKE A BOILED HAM TO ME.
LET THE POETS PIPE OF LOVE?
Baby, show us Your Dick!
IN THEIR CHILDISH WAYS?
Come On. Pull It Out.
What's the matter?
Ain't you got one, HUH? HUH?
Pull It Out!
YEAH!
HEY, SIT ON THIS!
OH! OH!
GET OUT!
You boys, show some respect.
Should I carve a reminder
on your pretty pink face?
Gregory...
Please.
I wasn't gonna hurt him anyway.
I wanted to teach him a manner or two.
You all right, kid?
WHOA!
ROZ!
Put it in my dressing room.
Peter, ...
LOVE?
FOR SALE?*
I see you're all right.
I'm all right!
OK. Careful with him!
HE'S A PERSON!
I used to be a person...
Straight in the back.
It figures.
[MUMBLING]
Come on.
Come on.
God!
All right?
Yeah.
You can dump him here.
All right.
Here. Thanks.
And close the door on your way out.
Sure.
Ah...
If you have an IQ over
then there is no God.
Hi.
Hi.
Who are you?
I've got a better one for you.
Who are you?
My name's Alan.
Arnold.
Do you remember anything about last night?
Not too much.
I don't usually drink,
but you know how it is around the holidays.
You and I met where?
Sit down. I'll give you breakfast.
We met at the club East th.
You seemed to be having a little trouble.
You were the waiter.
I were the entertainment.
Virginia Hamm.
Oh, you're kidding?
Anyway, you're in Brooklyn.
The subway's up the block.
Turn right, three blocks.
And you don't have to worry about anything.
I was a perfect gentleman.
Thanks.
Shit.
Um, I have a photo shoot today,
and I'm late.
Um, hello?
Listen, I've got to run,
but I'll call you later, ok?
Hello?
[APPLAUSE]
ONCE UPON A TIME?
IN OLDEN DAYS?
I SPENT MY AFTERNOONS AT DEJEUNER?
EATING ALL DAY?
GENET?
I GOT SO LARGE?
AS LARGE AS A TRUCK?
THAT MY HUSBAND THE BUCK?
TOOK OFF LIKE A FUCK--A DUCK?
AND LEFT ME ALL ALONE?
WHAT BAD LUCK?
MY LIFE SUCK--SUNK?
IN A FUNK?
Boys.
I TRIED DIETS AND DRILLS?
AND I SWALLOWED SOME PILLS?
THAT MADE ME A MANIAC?
I HAD GRAPEFRUIT AND BROWN RICE?
AND SOYBEANS TO BOIL?
I ATE SEAWEED AND PARSL AND PEANUTS?
NO OIL?
I EXERCISED MY FLABBY THIGHS AND WRAPPED THEM IN FOIL?
I LOST SOME WEIGHT?
BUT EVERY SINGLE BLOODY TIME?
THE POUNDAGE RETURNED TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME?
AND THEN I TOOK IT ALL OFF?
AS EASILY AS WHEN YOU HAVE A COLD?
YOU COUGH?
[COUGHING]
WHERE DID I BEGIN?
HOW DID I ATTAIN THE GORGEOUS SHAPE?
THAT I'M IN?
AAH...
I PUKE?
SO DISCREETLY?
I DON'T MAKE A SOUND?
I PUKE?
AFTER DINNER, I'M NEVER AROUND?
IT DOESN'T REEK OF POLITESSE?
IT'S NOT THE NICEST THING, I GUESS?
BUT IT TIGHTENS MY BELT?
AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SVELTE?*
Exactly what I need.
Hi. You saw me in the audience, right?
Every queen saw in Harlem YOU in the audience.
You were terrific.
A little weird, but different.
Hello? I'm another person in the world.
Hi. I hope you don't mind me saying so,
but I prefer you in men's clothes.
Well, thanks for dropping by.
I brought you something.
I couldn't help noticing that you liked them.
That was really sweet. Thanks.
Look, can I take you to dinner?
Make up for last night?
Free chow. You got my vote.
Maybe another time.
We really got to run.
I never did finish my christmas shopping.
There's an All-Night Sale At The Market.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
You're full of CHICKENSHIT!
THIS TIME, THE DREAM'S ON ME?*
I came to new york to be gay.
I don't have to tell you the kind of reception
a -year-old boy with cheek of tan
gets in the big apple.
All any guy I met cared about
was my price tag for the evening.
I needed affection more than they needed the money,
so I took it.
I'm successful...
and still, every guy I meet
takes one look at me,
and all he wants is sex.
Every guy I meet takes one look,
and all he wants is conversation.
I wouldn't say ALL.
Morning.
What do you think? Kate Smith, right?
Judy Canova.
I don't do her.
Gentlemen...
Don't worry. We got cash.
YES!
What do you think?
Fabulous... For canasta.
Wouldn't you gentlemen feel more comfortable
in another store?
We're slumming until Halston opens.
I'll try this.
No! No! Sir!
Don't look now,
but pretty boy tracked you down again.
My God!
Will you stop?
Would you stop?
'Tis Love. 'Tis Love.
Him looking at you like a -year-old
at his first ice cream cake.
Honey, my calculus isn't perfect,
but I can put two and two together.
What I get is love.
May I help you, sir?
No.
Sir!
Do you have these in a ?
Arnold?
Yes?
Sorry.
Arnold?
Oh, My God!
I love the way this drapes on you.
Arnold...
I can't think about anybody but you.
I don't want to see anybody but you.
I don't even want to talk to anybody else but you.
SO...
You going to come out of there?
You want me to break the door down?
I'm calling the police!
Let me see that in HIS size.
There are a couple of things
we better get straight first.
A--I want children.
B--If anyone asks,
I'm the pretty one.
Alan, where the hell are you?
I had to make a call.
OK.
I'm listening.
All right, number three--
Wait. Wait.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
All right. Let's go.
Come on.
Employment, husband. Employment, wife.
I knew we'd have to decide.
If we knew that,
we could have our own kids.
What about age?
Write . Let them break it up.
What aged child?
Old enough to dust. That's all I care.
...THE STATION THAT'S DEDICATED TO THE ONE YOU LOVE.
HERE COMES THE KIND OF STUFF WE REALLY LIKE--
A -YEAR ANNIVERSARY.
A SPECIAL SONG FOR
A SPECIAL COUPLE.
For Arnold, with all THE LOVE IN MY SOUL.
FROM ELLEN.
Alan!
Asshole! Alan!
Was that you?
For god's sake, don't cry.
SOMEDAY...?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Hello, homewrecker.
Oh, hi, MA.
Mama, what's wrong?
Arnold, I'm sorry.
It's your father.
THIS TIME THE DREAM'S...?*
I'll be right there, Mama.
[SPEAKING HEBREW]
Amen. Amen.
Thank you so much, rabbi.
Thank you all.
See you back at the house.
Thanks so much for coming so far.
You got off from school, didn't you?
Thank you for coming on such an awful day.
I'll be here
between your father and your grandfather.
Phil, you're here with your wife and children.
Tateleh, over here with your wife and children.
A nice girl, who knows?
Believe me, Ma, I know.
God doesn't know.
My son knows!
Why are the mirrors covered?
So we don't see the pain in our faces.
Why are you sitting on boxes?
To make sure there's pain in our faces.
You told me he was Jewish.
Out-Of-Town Jewish.
What will you do?
Are you going to keep the house?
I'll teach out the term,
put the house up for sale,
and go live in florida.
Why florida? Phil and I are here.
That's what we do. We go to florida.
My mother did it.
That's what we do.
We go to Florida.
I don't care what "WE" do.
What do you want to do?
I want to die.
Till then, I'll go to Florida.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[RING]
Hello...
Oh, I woke you?
Good guess.
[COUGH COUGH]
Is this Arnold?
That's what they tell me.
Who is that?
I don't know.
Well, speak up.
I'm a drag queen, not a mind reader.
I don't know you'd remember me.
We both know Ed Reiss.
We met at his place once.
My name's Laurel.
Ed and I are lovers.
We thought you could visit us for a few days.
Hello? Are you with me?
I'm way ahead of you.
Sorry, I't into that kinky stuff.
Ed s
Whose idea was this?
We both like you too.
But whose idea?
What's the difference?
Ed values your friendship,
And you never see each other anymore.
I don't think this is a good idea,
but thanks anyway.
We're going.
What? We are not.
Shut up. We're going.
Isn't this civilized?
Guests up to our country home
for the weekend.
We've had guests before.
We can hardly compare this
to having your sister, her kids,
or your parents up.
Imagine. Hostess to your lover's ex
and his new boyfriend.
Would you stop?
[HONK HONK HONK]
This is it.
Hi.
Hi.
You finally made it. How you doing?
Look at you.
Hi.
Hi.
You look great.
THIS IS Laurel.
Arnold, Hi.
YOU'RE Alan.
Yeah.
You need help?
Oh, Thanks.
You got it? Good.
This is Laurel,
and, uh, let's go on inside.
Hi.
How are you?
Come on in.
HA HA HA!
YEAH. HA HA HA!
SO...
Arnold, Ed tells me you're a transsexual.
Transvestite.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
Actually, I'm just a Drag Queen.
I'm teaching my classes computers.
It's an experimental program.
Really?
He's even tried teaching me,
but I'm baffled.
Hardware, software,
I can never remember which is which.
Computers are the opposite of people.
With computers, the software goes into the hardware.
And with people--
All this food has done me in.
What say we hit the hay?
Eh?
Did you see how he fawned over Alan at dinner?
He practically cut his steak for him.
No more than I fawned over you.
The two of you were lovers.
Little games and jealousies are going to pop up.
Did you see how he made a point
of running off to bed early?
"ALL THAT FOOD'S DONE ME IN."
If I had someone as pretty as that to go to bed with,
I wouldn't have stayed up either.
He's pretty?
UH-HUH.
Don't you think he's a little young?
UH-UH. You hear the way
their bedsprings were squeaking?
I think that I do pretty well
in the squeaking department.
Oh, you do, huh?
Making allowances for wear and tear.
It's too early in the race
to make a plea for sympathy.
You want to race? Ok. We'll race.
HA HA HA!
Jesus! Do you hear that?
[BUMP BUMP BUMP]
Ooh, baby, talk dirty to me.
Well go outside and listen at their door.
Give my best to the bisexuals.
Only he's bisexual. She's straight.
Too bad.
Mixed marriages never work.
So what do you think?
About what?
Seeing Ed again
with me to compare him to.
Is that what we're doin' here?
He ain't so hot.
Not hot enough
to be the great love of your life, anyway.
I never said he was.
He's got his good points.
He's Good-Natured, Good-Looking, Good In Bed.
Good And Boring.
He's not good and boring.
He's just plain boring.
But you loved him, right?
I guess so.
He loved you.
I see the way he looks at you.
Why did you two break up?
We wanted different things.
Like what?
I wanted a husband.
He wanted a wife.
That was delicious, Laurel.
Isn't she a great cook...
besides being beautiful?
Just delicious.
I bet I gained five pounds.
Ed, why don't you show them
our new canning machine in the barn?
Thanks. I've seen the barn.
UH, Ed...
Why don't you show it to Alan?
He's the real can connoisseur in the family.
I'll stay and help Laurel
with the dishes.
We need to compare notes on you.
Uh, just what she's been waiting for. Mind if I steal the brandy?
Come on.
Stuck with the dishes.
It's right up there.
Tell me about you.
That's the reason we're here.
Is it?
Sure is.
Wasn't going to let this opportunity
to meet my competition go by.
I'm no competition.
I am.
So talk.
Why don't you ask Arnold?
I'm sure he has lots to say on the subject.
He says you're a boring,
insensitive old fool
who wouldn't know love if it wore wings, diaper
and shot arrows at your butt.
Anything you'd care to add?
No. That'll do.
What do you think?
I' think I'll reserve my judgement until I can make a closer inspection.
Close enough?
You asked me to sit in the hay,
not roll in it.
I think you're very beautiful.
I thought you were reformed.
You want me to stop...
Just say so.
Do you?
I didn't think so.
Let's go.
I'm sorry you couldn't stay for supper.
So are we.
Yes. It's a shame.
Laurel, Listen, I'll call you.
Thanks.
Drive safe, OK?
What the hell's wrong with you?
BYE.
Give us a call any time.
Maybe we'll do it again sometime.
Let's just get out of here.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[RING RING RING] [RING RING RING]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you weren't home,
and I was working out some frustration.
And I thank you for it. Come on in.
Is Alan here?
No. He had some early appointments.
Are you all right?
I could use some caffeine.
I can't believe how I misjudged
your relationship with Alan.
Actually, you're so perfect together.
I'm certain you'll work everything out.
I wasn't aware of anything to work out.
You two didn't have words?
None we haven't used before.
You mean what happened between Ed and Alan doesn't bother you at all?
What?
You blurted it out? Just like that.
I thought he knew. I meant it as a friendly remark.
With friends like her who needs Divorce Court!
I thought you left him. I thought it was because somethin' I said .
You gonna tell Laurel?
What I do is my business.
Ed told me about it after you left. He was crying.
I was dumbfounded.
I didn't know which one of us to comfort.
All you had to do was ask.
Ask you what?
Not to fool around. And I wouldn've.
But you never asked me?
Cause I wanted you to feel that you could.
You mean you wanted me to feel that YOU could.
Just once in my life. Couldn't an affair go on the rocks
after the passion wears off?
Your the one that wanted this weekend. You wanted to know--
That doesn't mean that's what I wanted.
That doesn't mean I'm necessarily ready for it.
You want me seeing other men?
No, but feel you can.
I do and I did!
Just once, I'd like to be on sure ground
When the blow hits,
instead of crawling like a baby.
I want to ask you something.
The answer's yes.
You don't know the question.
I'm too tired to argue any more, so my answer's yes.
Good...
Because I love you, too.
That's it, Alan.
Pour the man some champagne.
Don't give him a bath.
Alan, give me a smile.
Wonderful.
Yes.
Hi, Arnold.
Alan, take five.
Shelley, stay there.
Shelley, come over here.
Yeah. Fix that little spot over there.
Bad news?
What?
Who's the letter from?
Laurel. They're getting married.
You're kidding.
"We figured, two years after that wonderful weekend, ha ha ha,
"Survive that,
we could make it through anything, so we're tying the knot."
I think we should take their example
and get married.
Yeah. Sure.
Any day now a giant stock is going to come rapping on our door.
With a bundle of joy.
I think the kid deserves legitimate parents.
What are you talking about?
The Institute called.
We're going to have a baby!
You mean?
Yeah.
We have to find an apartment fast.
They won't give him to us
until we have a place, where he can have a room of his own room.
His name is David, he's troubled, abused.
He's also gay.
OY!
So, will you?
What?
Marry me.
[ARF ARF ARF]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[HONK HONK HONK]
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Fabulous!
Really terrific neighborhood
you picked here.
It's barely dark,
and they're out in numbers.
Maybe we should get an infared telescope for the living room.
Great way to bring up a child. Lift.
Are we going to have a dog?
Why? What for?
For the kid.
That's a great idea.
What kind should we get?
The kind that walks in the park.
You're a funny guy. Real funny.
Wait. Ok. Push. Ok.
God, I feel so butch.
Hey, should you be carrying this in your condition?
Shouldn't you lying down with your feet up or something?
You're starting to look like a mother.
Gray hair and all.
I do not have gray hair.
I see it from here.
Yeah, well you gave me every one of 'em.
My old man.
What if he hates us?
I'm hungry. Let's go eat.
I'm tired. Let's go to bed.
Where?
OOPS!
Why don't you go get some take-out?
I'll see what I can do with the bedroom.
Dinner in bed.
By candlelight?
Buy candles.
Sorry.
You fuckin' watch where you're goin'.
Fuckin' faggot.
Hey, not out here, man.
Alan!
Bring champagne.
CHA CHA CHA?*
What's going on?
Some punks are swinging bats. They got some old guy cornered.
Call the cops.
They're beating fags.
Think the cops give a shit?
Call the cops! Now!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Over there.
Hey!
Hey!
Give me the bat.
Let him go.
Come on. I said let him go.
Oh, geez.
[SIRENS]
There's nothing you can do here.
OK.
Move it back.
Hey, you back there, get back in the car.
Come on.
I don't know what happened.
You'll read about it in the morning. Come on.
Let's go.
Move it!
All right, break it up.
Stop it!
Stop it!
Please, stop it!
STOP!
STOP!
I've called your mothers.
Don't make a sound until they get here.
Your mother?
Hey, I didn't say nothing, lady.
You are going to pay for this, young man.
How could you get into a fight today? Of all days.
Believe me young man. I won't soon forget this.
Yeah well. You think I'll ever forget
you showin' up in that outfit?
The called and told me you were hurt in a fight.
What did you want me to do, put on a tux?
[DOOR SLAMS]
Looks like he survived.
What are you doing home?
Brooklyn Day. My school's closed.
What died?
It's breakfast I cooked it myself.
Toast for me I'm on a diet.
Since when?
.
We got a steak I could put on my eye?
Use ice cubes.
Uh, and when I think of that kid hittin' you. And for that he gets two day's suspension.
I gotta go see his principal.
What did you fight about?
He called me a douche bag.
So, I slugged him.
How Fifties.
Have a seat. Soup's on.
Here we go.
Ok, dig in.
This is a joke, right?
I cooked. You'll eat.
Care to join me apartment-hunting?
What's the rush?
I like having you here.
Can have the ketchup?
The couch and I are not speaking.
It's only your fourth night.
You'll get used to it.
Can I have the mustard?
Is something wrong with the food?
Not at all. Very tasty.
How bout the mayo?
Hold the mayo.
Your wife called in the middle of the night.
I tried to wake you,
But you were out of it.
I guess I better call her.
Help yourself to seconds. There's plenty.
And I was worried.
David, you finish cleaning up your room?
Oh, what do I gotta clean for.
My mother. Tomorrow. Coming here.
Lock the door. Say it's a closet.
She doesn't know about me. So why let in my room.
Who's on the phone?
Ed.
All right. All right.
Yeah. : AT GREENFIELD'S.
Yep.
Ok. Bye-Bye.
She give you a bad time, huh?
Four day's of those calls. You'd think I'd start getting used to them.
I don't know why she always has to cry.
I mean, this separation wasn't all my idea.
Ed! I don't want to hear what you have to say.
Because believe me you don't want to hear what I have to say.
Welp, I'd love to chewin' the fat with you grown-up types,
but I got a life to live.
Take a glass of milk.
I had milk.
Then go brush your teeth.
Oh, Ma!
Don't you "Oh, Ma" Me.
March!
Don't call me Ma in front of my Mother.
Having a good time, Leonora?
Oh, Ed, two favors.
My mother wants to go to the cemetery.
I need the number of the car service you use.
And David's social worker will be coming on Thursday.
So could you stay somewhere else?
I'm good enough for your mother,
but I'm not good enough for David's social worker?
It's nothing to do with being good enough. Ms. Schnabel Frowns on casual cohabitation.
And I've got enough to explain
without you on the couch.
Casual? We've known each other for nine years.
Seven of which you spent with another woman.
But I'm sleeping on the couch.
OK, maybe I should just find a hotel room.
And leave me unprotected at a time like this?
You know my Mother is not going to exactly feature the idea of my becoming a father.
Your professional opinion an an American Educator
will prove invaluable.
She'll say I'm prejudiced.
She'll say a lot a things, you'll learn not to listen.
David, I'm leaving!
I'll miss you.
Make sure he calls somebody for his homework.
No TV till it's done. And bedtime PM sharp.
But, I got no school tomorrow.
It's still a school night.
We'll be fine.
David!
Get over here!
What the hell is wrong with you?
I don't get no kiss good-bye?
Whoa!
I Love You.
I Love You, Too...
MA!
So the new career's a reality.
Just don't forget who your friends are.
You know, when I started, in this business.
I looked like a young Joan Crawford.
years later, Marjorie Main.
I swear I'm aging about as well as a beach party movie.
Umm, well I'm happy for you.
You've got it all.
Now, If that idiot Ed would just settle down...
You must be dying for a slap. That's about the last thing I need in my life.
That's precisely my point. Ed is the very last thing you need. You've got the rest--
Nice apartment, good job, money enough to keep your figure,
someone who depends on you.
Now what you need, is someone on which you can depend.
Ed? Get real.
People change.
Alan DIED, HONEY, NOT YOU.
BUT SEEING YOU IS GRAND?
AND YOU WERE SWEET TO OFFER YOUR HAND?
I UNDERSTAND?
I DO?
PARDON MY ASKING, "WHAT'S NEW?"?
OF COURSE, YOU COULDN'T KNOW?
I HAVEN'T CHANGED?
I STILL LOVE YOU SO?
How Alice Faye can I get?
IT'S : IN THE BIG APPLE.
THIS IS HIGH TIDE
WITH A DEDICATION FROM BUTCHIE TO JUDY.
Should we wake him? What if he oversleeps?
I'm not gonna survive!
He's up.
David, What are you doing in that kitchen?
I cleaned until : in the morning!
Where am I supposed to eat?
You ever hear of a Restaurant.
They cook for you, they clean for you,
and best of all My Mother Don't Go There.
The suit should help soften the blow.
It's for David's Principal.
What, no bunny slippers?
Ed, the phone number of that car service?
What time do you expect her?
I don't know. She said early flight. I figure around noon.
David! Get over here.
Now listen to me. I want you to cleanup that kitchen.
Get your butt to Murray's.
And don't come home until I call you. Huh.
Yeah, Ma.
WHAT?
After all this time,
how could you have not told her about David.
I toldmy mother about David.
But she assumed he was my roommate.
I didn't bother correcting her.
Alan had just died. And I never even told her how he was killed.
She assumed it was a car accident. I didn't bother correcting her.
Unbelievable.
What is so unbelievable. You still haven't told
your parents that you're gay.
Bisexual. Thank you.
Yeah well, I told my mother when I was .
You knew when you were ?
Honey, when I was I knew everything.
Senility set in sometime after.
Hello, Murray?
Hi. Listen...
I won't be coming over today, man.
I got a temperature. And, em
Arnold told me to stay here in bed.
Yeah, Oh it's terrible. At least .
[COUGHS]
I got to go, Murray.
I'm very weak. Bye.
Is this a playground?
Thank You.
It was a pleasure meeting you all,
none of whom would give me a seat.
Thanks to you gentlemen. I now have varicose veins.
Wait. I got it.
Hey! Help! Mugger!
What, I'm not a mugger.
Then you're a rapist.
Why would a rapist wear a suit? Ou.
How do I know? Maybe you got a wedding after.
Arnold had to go somewhere.
So, I waited for you, incase you got hear before him.
Oh. I'm sorry I kicked ya.
This is very, very nice of you to meet me.
No sweat.
Arnold left you his keys.
I got my own set.
Oh, Really?
This is probably none of my business, and I
hope you don't mind my asking. But just who the hell are you?
I'm David.
David. The neighbor's kid?
I live with Arnold.
Would you like a drink?
Maybe later.
Come on in.
We've got everything all worked out for you,
even with Ed staying here.
Ed?
Arnold's friend.
Friend friend or euphemism friend?
He used to be a euphemism.
Now he's just a friend.
But with you stayin' here.
They'll both be sleeping on the couch.
Who knows?
Have they got water here?
Sure.
We cleaned all week for you.
What do you think?
I think we should sit down.
David, you go to school?
Yeah.
Are these oranges from florida?
Cuba. We were hijacked.
But, I'm not one to complain.
Funny.
So...You go to college?
High school.
High school, how nice.
Senior?
Freshman.
Freshman.
That's very sweet.
Tell me, David,
just how old are you?
.
In two months.
Something wrong?
Not at all.
in two months. That's wonderful.
You've got your life ahead of you.
Mine is flashing before my eyes.
More water?
More water.
David, darling...
Don't your parents think you're a little young
to be on your own?
No.
But juvenile court did.
So here I am.
I need to talk to Arnold.
You could call the school.
He's with my principal.
Real people know you live here?
Lots of people live with their fathers.
Live with their what?
Their fathers!
Hi, Pop!
Tell me about Florida.
Anyone special in your life?
Not particularly.
This Ed got married, didn't he?
Right,ahh. So, how come you're not seeing anyone?
Because the last thing I need is to become nursemaid
to some ALTER KOCKER.
So, how come he's staying with you?
He and his wife are separated.
Separated. How come?
I don't know.
Arnold the man is living with you. You're both staying on the couch.
Cause your in my room!
You're involved.
Ma!
You must admit it sounds a little queer.
A man leaves his wife
and moves in with his old friend.
I don't think the people who gave you David wouldn't approve.
You wanna jSust drive.
David is a tremendous responsibility.
Set him a good example.
Giving a friend a place to stay
is a bad example?
I knew I should have kept my mouth to myself.
Anyway. It's only for a few more weeks.
What?
You said he was with you
on a one-year basis.
Then he leaves.
No. You misunderstood.
After the one year,
If we agree and child welfare allows,
I'm going to legally adopt him.
If I have anything to say,
David's not leaving.
STOP THE CAR!
You've done crazy things--
It is not crazy!
It is wonderful. I am proud of it.
You were too ashamed to tell your mother.
Everything else you tell me.
You shove your sex life down my throat. Every hour, on the hour.
But all this time, not a word. Why?
You know your not the easiest person in the world to talk to.
Why? What did I say? Do I tell you how to run your life.
Listen,to me my son. I realized a long time ago,
you and your brother would do as you felt.
You want to know why you didn't tell me?
Because you knew it was wrong.
That's not true!
No? Why?
I don't know!
So what else is new?
[RECITING KADDISH]
That's it!
Arnold honestly. I've had it up to here with you.
Your father left these plots to you. This is what you want to do
with them, fine! That's your business.
But I will not stand here and watch you spit on your father's grave!
What?
What do you think you are doing?
What Are You Doing?
The same thing you're doing.
No! I'm reciting KADDISH for my husband.
Your blasfeming your religion.
We were married for years.
Your gonna compare my marriage to you and Alan?
I MEAN THE LOSS.
What lose did you have? You fooled around with some boy.
Where do you compare that with a marriage
of years?
Come on. I'm not one of your pals.
I lost someone I loved.
So you felt bad. Maybe you cried.
years I lived with this man.
He got sick,
I took him to the hospital.
I gave them a man.
They gave me a place to visit on Holy days.
How could you know how I felt?
It took two months before I slept in our bed.
IT TOOK A YEAR
BEFORE I COULD SAY "I" INSTEAD OF "WE."
HOW DARE YOU?
YOU'RE RIGHT. HOW DARE I?
I COULDN'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS
TO PUT SOMEBODY'S THINGS IN PLASTIC BAGS
AND WATCH GARBAGE MEN TAKE THEM AWAY.
OR HOW IT FEELS WHEN YOU FORGET
AND SET HIS PLACE AT THE TABLE.
THE FOOD ROTS BECAUSE YOU FORGOT
HOW TO SHOP FOR ONE.
YOU HAD IT EASY!
DO I DESERVE THIS?
YOU HAVE YOUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES!
I HAD ME.
MY FRIENDS SAID, "AT LEAST YOU HAD A LOVER."
YOU LOST YOUR HUSBAND IN A CLEAN HOSPITAL.
I LOST MINE ON THE STREET.
THEY KILLED HIM ON THE STREET.
YEARS OLD LAYING DEAD.
KILLED BY KIDS WITH BASEBALL BATS!
THAT'S RIGHT, MA, KILLED BY CHILDREN.
CHILDREN TAUGHT BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
QUEERS DON'T MATTER!
QUEERS DON'T LOVE!
AND THOSE THAT DO DESERVE WHAT THEY GET!
Taxi!
ACTION!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'll get it.
[KNOCKING]
You must be Ed.
How do you do? I'm the mother.
[SLAM]
Nice to have met you.
Whoops.
"WHOOPS"?
Ed, did you say "WHOOPS"?
No, Ed.
"WHOOPS" IS WHEN YOU FALL DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT.
"WHOOPS" IS WHEN YOU SKINNY DIP
IN A SCHOOL OF PIRANHA.
"WHOOPS" IS WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY DOUCHE
WITH DRANO.
No, Ed.
THIS WAS NO "WHOOPS."
This was an "AAAARGH!"
Come on, David.
We're dining out.
Good idea.
Good Luck.
Round Two.
MAMA!
You can come out now.
We got the whole joint to fight in.
Enjoy yourself. I'm going to bed.
Ma, sorry I lost my temper.
I'm glad you're sorry.
Mama, we've got to talk about this.
You want to fight.
Did you ever hear your father and me fight?
No!
Because all my childhood, I listened to fights.
my father fought with my mother.
She fought with my brother.
When I married, I said,
"I will talk. I won't fight."
Did you ever hear us fight? No!
And don't holler.
People say things they don't mean
When they holler,
and you've said quite enough.
I won't holler.
We will not discuss Alan or Daddy.
Only David.
What do you know from raising a child?
What's to know? Whenever there's a problem,
I imagine how you would solve it.
Then I do the opposite.
You invited me here to insult me
and spit on your father's grave?
Ma!
You live the way you want.
I don't say a word.
But think about the boy.
He sees you living like this.
Don't you think it's bound to affect him?
David is gay.
He's been here less than a year.
He came that way.
Nobody comes that way!
What an opening.
Everything by you is a joke.
The world has gone insane,
and I'm heading south for summer.
You make it difficult to have
an intelligent conversation.
Do what I do. Talk to yourself.
David was placed here to develop
a positive attitude about his homosexuality.
I don't care!
You won't put me in my grave
like you did your father.
Now I killed my father!
No! He was thrilled his son was a fairy!
You think that's why we brought you into the world?
If I had known, I wouldn't have bothered!
God should tear out my tongue
I should talk to my child like that.
You're a good person
and sensitive like your father.
And I try to love you for that
and forget this,
but you won't let me.
You haven't spoken once
without saying "gay."
Because it's what I am.
You could leave it where it belongs,
but you're obsessed with it.
Try and imagine the world
the other way around.
Imagine every book, every magazine,
every tv show, every movie
was telling you you should be homosexual.
You know you're not.
Stop! You're talking crazy.
After all these years,
I'm trying to justify my life.
This is crazy.
Life?
This is a sickness,
but it's what you've chosen.
Look, I'm gay. I don't know why.
Since I can remember,
before I knew it was different or wrong...
You haven't heard a word I've said.
You'd rather I was straight.
Should I lie?
Ed would never tell his parents.
Instead, he cut them out of his life!
Is that what you want?
No, but it doesn't have to be every conversation.
I'm not editing out things you don't like.
Can we end this conversation?
NO!
GOD...
I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing.
I can even pat myself on the back when necessary
So I don't have to ask anyone for anything.
There's nothing I need from anyone
Except for love and respect.
Anyone who can't give me those two things
Has no place in my life.
You're my mother.
I Love You.
I do, but...
If you can't respect me,
You've got no business being here.
You're throwing me out?
Ma, I'm trying to--
Throwing me out. Isn't that nice?
Listen, mister.
You get one mother in this world. Only one.
Wait. You just wait.
Yeah. Hello.
Ed, it's Murray.
Is Arnold there?
Well, isn't he at work?
He left after the first show.
Where would he go?
Where you goin', boys?
I just got here.
Hello, boys!
Line forms to the left.
Arnold, come on.
WHAT?
SAY GOOD NIGHT.
OH, YOU. I HAD YOU.
I don't want to go home.
She's there.
Spring And Thomson.
Your mother said she's leaving.
[PHFFFT!]
She didn't want to stay the night,
but she couldn't get a flight out
till morning.
She'd stay if you asked her.
Why did you get drunk?
Hello? Anybody home?
Sometimes you really frighten me, Ed.
You care talk about it, huh?
I am upset. I am uptight.
I am up to my nipples in southern comfort,
And you're trying to take ntage of me.
Fine.
I want another chance with you.
Arnold, please listen! I'm years old.
You know what that means, Arnold?
It's time for me to stop jerking around.
The time I've spent with you and David,
It's been the clost thing to whatever it is I want.
Are you listening to me?
$ .
Thanks.
I know you're upset about your mother.
That's not it.
Maybe it's too soon after Alan.
Leave me alone.
Then what?
Ed, are you forgetting
why we broke up in the first place?
You really think that you could bring
your friends here?
Could you introduce me to your parents
as your lover
and David as our son?
Ed...
Angel, I just threw my mother,
my mother, out of the house.
All she wanted was not talk about it.
You really think
I'm going to ask less from you?
WE'VE GOT A DEDICATION NOW
FROM BEULAH TO MICHAEL.
THINKING OF YOU.
I ever tell you about the time
that Alan called in one of these shows?
You told me.
And how they read the dedication wrong?
You told me.
Oh, it was so romantic.
You told me.
Come on, champ. Breakfast's on me.
Do we ever get to have a real meal?
Oh, let's go.
I've got to do something first.
Listen, Um...
What we talked about last night.
I think it's time to find out.
I Love You, Arnold.
Ahem, Um... David are you coming?
In a minute!
A pleasure meeting you, Mrs. Beckoff.
I hope you and your wife
come to your senses.
Couples must live with conflict.
A problem is never as permanent
as a solution.
Thank You.
David!
Well, young man,
it's been an experience.
Same here.
Sorry I scared you yesterday.
Maybe someday I can do the same for you.
I'll be leaving myself now.
You don't have to go.
You can stay.
With your brother?
It's better he doesn't know.
I'll call him from Miami,
tell him I couldn't make it.
I'll tell him what happened.
You want to turn him against me, too?
You want me to leave? I'm leaving.
You want me to change? I'm too old.
Do what you have to. I'll do what I have to,
And I hope you're satisfied.
Oh!
If I had ever talked to my mother
the way you did to me,
I'd have a wedgie in my forehead,
but I didn't raise my children like that.
I wanted them to respect me
because they wanted to.
Are we starting this again?
Yes! Because it's not fair
to put all the blame on me.
I knew about you, Arnold
But I said "no." I hoped.
I knew, and I turned my back.
I wasn't the only one.
You turned your back on me, too.
How could I know about Alan?
Suddenly you would have understood?
You never trusted me enough to tell me.
So you could have said what?
"Ah, he's better off dead."
I could have comforted you.
You cheated me out of your life
and then blamed me for not being there.
About this Ed...
You love him?
I don't know.
Yeah, I think so.
Like you loved Alan?
No.
They're very different.
Anyway, it's easier to love someone who's dead.
They make so few mistakes.
You've got an unusual way
of looking at things, Arnold Beckoff.
I think it runs in the family.
Ma...
I miss him.
Give yourself time, Arnold.
It gets better,
but, Arnold, it never goes away.
You can work longer hours,
adopt a son, fight with me, whatever...
It'll still be there.
It becomes a part of you,
like learning to wear a ring or eyeglasses.
You get used to it,
and that's good.
It's good because it makes sure you don't forget.
You don't want to forget him, do you?
No.
So...
It's good.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
You'd better get that.
It might be something
about that son of yours.
[RING]
Hello.
Oh, hi, Dav--What?
All right. Yes, I'm turning.
All right. I'm turning.
It's David.
Something about the radio.
"Turn it on."
MY PRODUCER TOOK THE CALL, AND HE HAS CONFIRMED IT.
SO FOR WHATEVER IT'S WORTH, HERE IT IS.
A DEDICATION FROM David TO Arnold
WITH ALL HIS LOVE.
SOMEWHERE, SOMEDAY?
You hear that, ma?
Stupid kid.
Oh, God, Mama, He's such a special--
WE'RE CLOSE TOGETHER?
Ma! Ma, You're not even listening.
OH, BY THE WAY?
THIS TIME, THE DREAM'S...?
MA.
ON ME?
YOU TAKE MY HAND?
MAMA!
AND YOU LOOK AT ME ADORINGLY?
BUT AS THINGS STAND?
THIS TIME, THE DREAM'S ON ME?
IT WOULD BE FUN?
TO BE CERTAIN THAT I'M THE ONE?
TO KNOW THAT I AT LEAST?
SUPPLY THE SHOULDER YOU CRY UPON?
TO SEE YOU THROUGH?
TILL YOU'RE EVERYTHING?
YOU WANNA BE?
IT CAN'T BE TRUE?
BUT THIS TIME?
THE DREAM'S ON ME?*
lunedì 12 dicembre 2011
Torch Song Trilogy ( Harvey Fierstein )
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